Today has been a good day. My doctor had tried a new sleeping pill on me last week for my insomnia and it made me lethargic all day. I didn’t like it because it made me just want to sit around all day and do nothing. Everything started piling up. I got dressed to exercise but never made it:) I talked myself out of it all day. It was making me depressed.
I didn’t take it last night. I woke up feeling good and ready to take on the day. I exercised and am writing while all the wet stuff from my flooded basement dries.
All kinds of stuff goes through my head when I exercise and I was pondering grief, loss and suffering. I was suffering over the past few days because I couldn’t get myself motivated. That was depression sinking in. My little man was back telling me I wasn’t worth much. But, I persevered and told him off. Now I am back.
People who battle deep depression suffer loss. They lose themselves. It is an uphill battle to find the person who lives below the depressed spirit. If you have battled depression all your life, it is a day to day process sometimes. You have to kick the little man in the teeth and tell him where to go. You have to keep fighting so that he stays away for longer periods of time or you are able to get rid of him quickly if he tries to get a foot in the door.
I am a totally different person now than I was when I was battling depression so hard and losing on every turn. I am a different person than the one I was before that. I have the skill now to do battle with the demons in my head. I have tools to keep him running away even though he sneaks back in from time to time. It is a daily battle but I am a better person for it now that I am equipped to handle it.
Writing about it is the strongest tool so far. I can tell you I had a bad few days and it is alright. I can also tell you now that I had a good day and I plan on having more. I am not ashamed to say that some days are bad. I don’t answer with “fine” anymore. I may not announce it just to announce it. But if I wanted to say something I could. I am working towards taking the shame and stigma away from mental illness. That is the job I promised to you.