“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us.” Ephesians 1:7,8a.
When I started this blog, I promised myself and you that I would be honest about my journey then and now.
One of the worst things about Bipolar Disorder is coming down from a high. I have been on an even keel for a long time. A few weeks ago I started going on a real high. Everything was great: EVERYTHING. Nothing was going to stop me from doing anything. My impulses were high. It is like climbing up to the top of a roller coaster and then getting to the top and feeling the rush of the first fall. If you have ridden the Hulk it is like climbing and then being shot out. It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. You are on an extreme high, yet you are totally out of control. You have the world at your feet and you can handle everything.
But then the cracks open and the dam begins to leak. You have come to the screeching halt at the end of the roller coaster and you hit an emotional brick wall. The little man in your head starts to give you little hints about your weaknesses. NOTHING you do is right or worthy of anyone. You don’t deserve the love of your friends and family. You are so alone in your thoughts. The loneliness is unbearable and welcoming at the same time. It is hard to get out and see people. Paranoia creeps in and you believe everyone is looking at you funny and think something is wrong with you.
If it were not for my job at Alabama Outdoors right now it would be worse. There I am forced to be with people and put them first. It is the best thing for me. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately I cannot work 24/7. I have a family to take care of. It is harder at home than at work if you can understand that.
I am trying hard to lean on God right now during this dark time. I know just by His grace that I will be all right in the end and this dark place will not last long, hopefully not as long as usual since I have Him, the support of my husband and sharing my story with you. My intention in this post is not to bring you down or feel sorry for me. It is for you to understand that I still battle it. It is something I live with day in and day out. But God gave me the strength to share my battle with you so that if you are one who suffers, or have a loved one who suffers, you know that there is hope that you can get off the roller coaster and enjoy a fun water ride instead:)