“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom
I know I seem preachy these days but I am living through a very scary time in my life and my faith seems to be the one thing preventing me from falling over the edge. Now my faith is weak right now. I guess that is why I am writing because I am exploring it and testing the waters. You just happen to be the luck recipients of my thoughts.
My current situation has sent me into a spiraling depression. My sister says it is all situational. I know it is but at times of severe stress for Bipolar patients as myself, the chemicals in my brain get triggered. Things are pretty haywire in my brain. There have been times where I thought hospitalization would have been the answer. But I have persevered for my family and have found that my faith is growing as well. A little tweaking of my meds hasn’t hurt either.
My heart has been on the word truth today. Honesty is so important during times of turmoil, especially with family members. That truth may not always be popular but it is important to lay it all on the table.
Being honest with yourself is vital. I am learning that the hard way. In order for me to get my family through this, I have to be honest with myself, how I am feeling, how I am reacting to the situation. I have to be strong in front of the children. I can fall apart in the bedroom later, but I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I am NOT ok. It is ok for me to have a melt down and get “it” out of my system. I will self destruct if I don’t.
Also, I have to be honest with God, even if I am mad at him (which I find I am a lot lately). I am told that he understands and can take it. I am still at the stage that I am afraid I will be punished if I get angry and yell at him. I did that last week. I called him every four letter word in the book. I didn’t want anything to do with him. The funny thing was though the next day I sought Him out. I went back to my devotionals. I played the Christian music on my radio and Spotify praying that He would sink back into my heart after I was so cruel to him.
People keep telling me that it is ok to get angry at Him. That He will always love you. But when you feel so unloved at the moment, how can you trust that? Corrie Ten Boon says just that. She says to trust in Him you cannot see. This is so hard for me to fathom. Some days I know I am not alone. I just have to be honest and admit it to God and to myself. Maybe some relief will come my way.
Stay true to God, yourself and your family. I am going to try my best:)
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
This is probably my favorite song. I heard it for the first time when Dennis and I went to Outback in Mobile. For those who don’t know, Outback is mini JH Ranch. Now I didn’t want to go to this “Jesus Retreat”. I’m Episcopalian. We don’t do this stuff. We don’t wave our hands in the air and say Amen out loud. I was out of my element. So I thought. It was nothing like imagined. Great music and incredible speakers abound. I left on the mountain top.
Sunday afternoon I arrived home to 6 loads of laundry to fold and a kitchen that looked like Armageddon had hit. My mother in law stayed with the kids. She did her best with toting four kids around to 10 different places in two days. Bless her heart. By Monday I was overwhelmed with life and back in the valley. I had been hit by a hurricane.
Life is full of many hurricanes through our lives. They can range from Cat 1 to Cat 5. A 6 or 7 might hit as well. When this happens you are so overwhelmed you do not know where to turn. You ask why me? What have I done to deserve this? I am a pretty decent person. I can’t get through this! How can I do this?
Then you search through your devotionals for answers. Certainly God knows the reason for this. Then you see God has a plan. Your minister tells you God has a plan for you. Well that is bunk. I thought God loved me. Why is he doing this to me?
Then a moment of clarity comes; maybe through a verse, prayer or even a song. It gets through that thick skull of yours that God does have a plan. You have no earthly idea what it is. You still don’t know if you will survive this hurricane. You still break down some days. But the days get a little better. Even in the midst of the hurricane you can sense a little peace in your heart, the assurance that “the plan” is in effect.
Where do you go from here while you are riding out the storm? You hold onto that sliver of hope that you will pull through and come out victorious. You hold onto the notion that God has a plan for you and you will survive. Your life will probably be much better on the other side. I hope to see you then, better than ever.
“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27
I found this verse by chance years ago and I always revert back to it. PEACE. I think we all crave some peace in our lives. It can be as simple as a pedicure or as big as hiking the Appalachian Trail.
For me, whose mind seems to run a mile a minute; like a hamster wheel running random and disturbing thoughts through my head. Peace to me is when the hamster stops and I can truly rest.
Peace of heart is a big one for me. It always relates to my children. I pray for peace on each of my children. That “momma worry” comes into play here. I just want my children to have some peace of heart in their lives. As I have said before “happiness” is fleeting but peace is more sustainable.
God’s peace is what we are striving for here. He is the only one who can truly grant us peace. We must turn to Him, pray to Him and believe in Him. He can do it.
Now, this is hard for a strong willed woman like me to accept. “I can do this all on my own”. I learn over and over again that is not the case. Every time that hamster wheel starts turning I have lost the war. My sister told me to read the Psalms when my mind goes haywire. Guess what? It works!!! The power of prayer.
But I have to pray hard for peace for my children. As teenagers they are at war with their peers, their siblings, us. Sometimes they don’t know where to turn. I try to post scripture on mirrors and give pep talks, but for strong willed teachers, they don’t want to hear it. So I PRAY.
I am not the get down on your knees kind of prayer person. I continually talk to the big man. Maybe it’s the hamster wheel effect when I talk to him. I seem to have this stream of conversations with him. Sometimes that backfires because I don’t stop to listen. He does seem to gets some points across though.
I’m not sure where I went with this but I was just thinking about Peace this morning when this verse came to mind. I hope you find a little bit of peace for yourself and your family today.
God and Family come first
You think you come first
Then that tiny bundle comes along
And erases that selfishness away
Poor husband has lost his rung;
He is waiting in the wings
Until his name is called
For his second audition
Along the way selfishness comes back
It sneaks up on you slowly
Wreaking havoc on your friends and family
When will the world right itself?
You think you’re doing right by them
That they are happy
But that is what you are telling yourself
Changes need to occur
We need to get back to simpler times
Re-evaluate our core values
Renew our vows and covenants
To our spouse and children
God and Family must come first
They deserve at least that much