“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom
I know I seem preachy these days but I am living through a very scary time in my life and my faith seems to be the one thing preventing me from falling over the edge. Now my faith is weak right now. I guess that is why I am writing because I am exploring it and testing the waters. You just happen to be the luck recipients of my thoughts.
My current situation has sent me into a spiraling depression. My sister says it is all situational. I know it is but at times of severe stress for Bipolar patients as myself, the chemicals in my brain get triggered. Things are pretty haywire in my brain. There have been times where I thought hospitalization would have been the answer. But I have persevered for my family and have found that my faith is growing as well. A little tweaking of my meds hasn’t hurt either.
My heart has been on the word truth today. Honesty is so important during times of turmoil, especially with family members. That truth may not always be popular but it is important to lay it all on the table.
Being honest with yourself is vital. I am learning that the hard way. In order for me to get my family through this, I have to be honest with myself, how I am feeling, how I am reacting to the situation. I have to be strong in front of the children. I can fall apart in the bedroom later, but I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I am NOT ok. It is ok for me to have a melt down and get “it” out of my system. I will self destruct if I don’t.
Also, I have to be honest with God, even if I am mad at him (which I find I am a lot lately). I am told that he understands and can take it. I am still at the stage that I am afraid I will be punished if I get angry and yell at him. I did that last week. I called him every four letter word in the book. I didn’t want anything to do with him. The funny thing was though the next day I sought Him out. I went back to my devotionals. I played the Christian music on my radio and Spotify praying that He would sink back into my heart after I was so cruel to him.
People keep telling me that it is ok to get angry at Him. That He will always love you. But when you feel so unloved at the moment, how can you trust that? Corrie Ten Boon says just that. She says to trust in Him you cannot see. This is so hard for me to fathom. Some days I know I am not alone. I just have to be honest and admit it to God and to myself. Maybe some relief will come my way.
Stay true to God, yourself and your family. I am going to try my best:)