Mental Suffering

Mountain Brook lost another to a tragic way. I didn’t know him but I bet he was well liked, friendly, not a care in the world; on the outside. On the inside he was breaking down. The reasons he chose run the gamut. But his last thoughts were the same as mine and anyone who has chosen this pass: I am not worthy, I have failed my family, they are better off with someone else, nobody will miss me. These are the last thoughts, no matter the initial reason.
My heart goes out to his family. It is reasons like this that All In needs to address this matter head on and have a suicide attempt survivor speak and let you know what is really going through their minds and how we can truly look for telltale signs.
I pray for the family and friends. If there is anything I can do….

See the Light

This picture does not do this post justice.
2015-02-10 07.38.27

I have had a hard time writing this one because the visual is so hard to describe. As you know, my family and I are going through a rough patch: full of thorns and bristles:) Going back to the basics is humbling and enlightening at the same time.
In the last two weeks we had another low blow. I asked myself “how much more can I take?” I thought I was already at rock bottom. But I relaxed and knew it was out of my hands. All I could do was pray. Constantly. But still I didn’t see anyway out of this without people getting hurt.
One of the advantages of living where I do is I am so close to Oak Mountain State Park. I love that place. It is hard to believe something so remote is so close to “civilization”. It is so serene, especially at 7 in the morning.
Anyway, I was out there last week and walking back to my car. I looked up and saw a canopy of trees. It was very dark outside and these trees still had their leaves. They were a pale cream color. As I looked up the leaves on the trees seem to lighten up. All of a sudden the tunnel of leaves became brighter. I thought maybe the sun started to shine through but the clouds were very dark. It was so surreal.
I know it was a special moment because I went back a couple of days ago the leaves were their normal, pale color and they were not bright like the first time. I believe the Holy Spirit was there telling me things were going to be alright.
On Friday a HUGE prayer was answered. Literally out of the blue and down to the wire.
I know God is with me all the time. Sometimes it is frustrating because there are no bells and whistles. But He does offer bells and whistles, they are just a little prettier.

TRUST

 

DSC_0340

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom

I know I seem preachy these days but I am living through a very scary time in my life and my faith seems to be the one thing preventing me from falling over the edge.  Now my faith is weak right now.  I guess that is why I am writing because I am exploring it and testing the waters.  You just happen to be the luck recipients of my thoughts.

My current situation has sent me into a spiraling depression.  My sister says it is all situational.  I know it is but at times of severe stress for Bipolar patients as myself, the chemicals in my brain get triggered.  Things are pretty haywire in my brain.  There have been times where I thought hospitalization would have been the answer.  But I have persevered for my family and have found that my faith is growing as well.  A little tweaking of my meds hasn’t hurt either.

My heart has been on the word truth today.  Honesty is so important during times of turmoil, especially with family members.  That truth may not always  be popular but it is important to lay it all on the table.

Being honest with yourself is vital.  I am learning that the hard way.  In order for me to get my family through this, I have to be honest with myself, how I am feeling, how I am reacting to the situation.  I have to be strong in front of the children.  I can fall apart in the bedroom later, but I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I am NOT ok.  It is ok for me to have a melt down and get  “it” out of my system.  I will self destruct if I don’t.

Also, I have to be honest with God, even if I am mad at him (which I find I am a lot lately).  I am told that he understands and can take it.  I am still at the stage that I am afraid I will be punished if I get angry and yell at him.  I did that last week.  I called him every four letter word in the book.  I didn’t want anything to do with him.  The funny thing was though the next day I sought Him out.  I went back to my devotionals.  I played the Christian music on my radio and Spotify praying that He would sink back into my heart after I was so cruel to him.

People keep telling me that it is ok to get angry at Him.  That He will always love you.  But when you feel so unloved at the moment, how can you trust that?  Corrie Ten Boon says just that.  She says to trust in Him you cannot see.  This is so hard for me to fathom. Some days I know I am not alone.  I just have to be honest and admit it to God and to myself.  Maybe some relief will come my way.

Stay true to God, yourself and your family.  I am going to try my best:)

 

 

Hurricane

Hurricane

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

 

This is probably my favorite song.  I heard it for the first time when Dennis and I went to Outback in Mobile.  For those who don’t know, Outback is mini JH Ranch.  Now I didn’t want to go to this “Jesus Retreat”.  I’m Episcopalian.  We don’t do this stuff.  We don’t wave our hands in the air and say Amen out loud.  I was out of my element.  So I thought.  It was nothing like imagined.  Great music and incredible speakers abound.  I left on the mountain top.

Sunday afternoon I arrived home to 6 loads of laundry to fold and a kitchen that looked like Armageddon had hit.  My mother in law stayed with the kids.  She did her best with toting four kids around to 10 different places in two days.  Bless her heart.  By Monday I was overwhelmed with life and back in the valley.  I had been hit by a hurricane.

Life is full of many hurricanes through our lives.  They can range from Cat 1 to Cat 5.  A 6 or 7 might hit as well.  When this happens you are so overwhelmed you do not know where to turn.  You ask why me?  What have I done to deserve this?  I am a pretty decent person.  I can’t get through this!  How can I do this?

Then you search through your devotionals for answers. Certainly God knows the reason for this.  Then you see God has a plan.  Your minister tells you God has a plan for you.  Well that is bunk.  I thought God loved me.  Why is he doing this to me?

Then a moment of clarity comes; maybe through a verse, prayer or even a song.  It gets through that thick skull of yours that God does have a plan.  You have no earthly idea what it is.  You still don’t know if you will survive this hurricane.  You still break down some days. But the days get a little better.  Even in the midst of the hurricane you can  sense a little peace in your heart, the assurance that “the plan” is in effect.

Where do you go from here while you are riding out the storm?  You hold onto that sliver of hope that you will pull through and come out victorious.  You hold onto the notion that God has a plan for you and you will survive.  Your life will probably be much better on the other side.  I hope to see you then, better than ever.

 

PEACE

photo-5

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27

I found this verse by chance years ago and I always revert back to it.  PEACE.  I think we all crave some peace in our lives.  It can be as simple as a pedicure or as big as hiking the Appalachian Trail.

For me, whose mind seems to run a mile a minute; like a hamster wheel running random and disturbing thoughts through my head.  Peace to me is when the hamster stops and I can truly rest.

Peace of heart is a big one for me.  It always relates to my children.  I pray for peace on each of my children.  That “momma worry” comes into play here.  I just want my children to have some peace of heart in their lives.  As I have said before “happiness” is fleeting but peace is more sustainable.

God’s peace is what we are striving for here.  He is the only one who can truly grant us peace.  We must turn to Him, pray to Him and believe in Him.  He can do it.

Now, this is hard for a strong willed woman like me to accept.  “I can do this all on my own”.  I learn over and over again that is not the case.  Every time that hamster wheel starts turning I have lost the war.  My sister told me to read the Psalms when my mind goes haywire.  Guess what?  It works!!!  The power of prayer.

But I have to pray hard for peace for my children.  As teenagers they are at war with their peers, their siblings, us.  Sometimes they don’t know where to turn. I try to post scripture on mirrors and give pep talks, but for strong willed teachers, they don’t want to hear it.  So I PRAY.

I am not the get down on your knees kind of prayer person.  I continually talk to the big man.  Maybe it’s the hamster wheel effect when I talk to him.  I seem to have this stream of conversations with him.  Sometimes that backfires because I don’t stop to listen.  He does seem to gets some points across though.

I’m not sure where I went with this but I was just thinking about Peace this morning when this verse came to mind.  I hope you find a little bit of peace for yourself and your family today.

 

Who Comes First

summer 2003

God and Family come first

You think you come first

Then that tiny bundle comes along

And erases that selfishness away

 

Poor husband has lost his rung;

He is waiting in the wings

Until his name is called

For his second audition

 

Along the way selfishness comes back

It sneaks up on you slowly

Wreaking havoc on your friends and family

When will the world right itself?

 

You think you’re doing right by them

That they are happy

But that is what you are telling yourself

Changes need to occur

 

We need to get back to simpler times

Re-evaluate our core values

Renew our vows and covenants

To our spouse and children

 

God and Family must come first

They deserve at least that much

The Cloak

photo-5

 

It was the cloak, her gate to freedom.
She just needed to reach out
To brush her hand against it
Healing could begin

It was the cloak
He wore it for protection
From the elements and the crowds
But she broke through

It was the cloak
It was the answer to her prayers
Her blind faith pushing her
towards a life of healing

It was the cloak
He felt her touch, every so slight
As if a fraction of energy zapped
from Him

It was the cloak
He knew he had healed someone
Why won’t they come forward?
He found her anyway

It was the cloak
It bound two worlds together
The healer and the healed
Forever woven together